Junk mail

Anyone else out there that wants to see junk mail go the way of the dinosaur?  Can the Internet age save enough trees for the planet to survive?  Spam is a nuisance, but you can kill it with a click.  If you're security conscious like I am, and you should be, junk mail is a little more involved.  Sometimes, I feel like I'm taking a bunch of paper rats out of my mailbox and bringing them into my house everyday.  Then each day I'm a coroner at my desk, dissecting each one.  First, I slit them open.  Then, I probe their vital organs, for my address, like it was a tumor!  I keep searching, most times there's more than one.  Search, tear, shred.  On to the next.  Oh no!  Return address labels!!

There's a new meaning to the term light year.  You know, the distance light travels for a period of one year, right?  Well, I think its the same as all the return address labels I get, stuck end to end, during the course of one year.

Over the years, I have found that these paper rats breed like the real ones.  I don't get just my own junk mail.  I get my name spelled wrong junk mail.  My wife's name misspelled.  My son's, and he doesn't even live here any more.

I'm a charitable person.  I give what I can.  Why do these charities think I'm holding out on them?  As soon as I give a donation, within two weeks, I get 4-5 other requests from the same group.  Plus some more with my name spelled wrong!  Then more requests from similar charities that bought my name from the first group.  On and on exponentially.  Also, stop with the free "gifts", the pennies, nickels, dimes, medallions, blankets, tee  shirts, note pads, etc.  It doesn't make me feel any better wondering how much junk mail Bill Gates gets, either.

Recently, I had a very helpful idea.  I called my son, my very own personal Internet shopper, and said, "Get me the Great White Shark of shredders.  One that can swallow whole junk mails and is always hungry.  I'll call him Bruce, or whatever."  So after I feel for metal objects, I feed Bruce, and he doesn't care how my name is spelled.

Since I got Bruce, I feel like I'm winning again, even if I'm not.